Maybe she's born with it...

...Maybe it's Maybelline...

("It" being eyebrows, that is.)

I actually managed to have a shower in the middle of the day today!  And then I decided that, with the older two napping, I would take advantage of the quiet and do some horizontal parenting with Tamsin.  And then I guess I was a bit bored.



Above, someone is Not Impressed by my artistry with an eyebrow pencil. 

In my defence, she is very wiggly.  Oh, fine.  I'll cross "baby makeup artist" off my list of fallback careers.  Sorry, Toddlers and Tiaras.  You'll have to find someone else to do makeup slapplication on wee ones.

However, we did have a fun afternoon/evening of saying things like, "Tamsin, you'd be surprised to hear that..."  and "Why does that surprise you so much?".

Yes, yes, she's gorgeous au naturel (without eyebrows).  But it was funny.

What Not to Wear

This Episode: Danny DeVito

Ok, so two years ago (the last time my parents visited me*...kaff), I received a full-length mirror for my birthday (from the aforementioned parents).

"But," they said, "we want to get YOU a present, not just something for the house."

"Trust me," I said. "This is for me."

The full-length mirror was supposed to solve the problem of me getting to work and looking terrible from the neck down. (The bathroom mirror and shoddy lighting will get all the blame for the neck-up situation, and my lack of time (and unfortunate genetics), of course, explains the hair.**) There are mirrored closet doors down the hall from my cubicle, so every time I go to the water cooler, the kitchen, or the bathroom (average time between viewings: 7.2 minutes), I get the pleasure of seeing what kind of disaster I have put together that day.

Well.

Apparently, just HAVING a full-length mirror isn't enough. You also, apparently, need to LOOK at it. AND you also need to have time to fix the problems (see complaint about hair, above).

I mean, the ongoing Gym Clothing Fiasco has its own litany of excuses: I pack my gym bag in the morning, sometimes in the dark, as I dash out the door; I have to make do with what's in my gym clothes drawer (mostly close-fitting stuff that's all turned into tummy tops and low-rise pants); and 'Fis' hasn't granted approval for maternity gym clothes, since, really, it's a waste of money for just three months of use.***

Besides, he's graciously given me his three largest white gym tops, whose armholes are open down to my (popped) bellybutton. On the days that I am either brave or out of Giant White Tanktops to wear, I take my chances with whatever else is in my drawer, and, thanks to the full-length mirror in the ladies' changeroom, I conveniently get to see the walking sideshow that I have become, right before heading out in public looking like...well, I don't know. Tweedle-Dee? A ball on two toothpicks? Someone with a bizarre gland disorder who still thinks she wears an extra-small? Or, even worse: someone that meant to dress like this????

To digress, the whole point of this is that, as I've gone through this sort of thing before, outfits like THIS shouldn't happen.





Discussion guide:

Layers: Aren't they supposed to make you look smaller? (They seem to add a nice amount of extra bulk to my already bulky frame.)

Accessories: Wouldn't a long, chunky necklace normally create an elongating effect? What the heck happened here? (Well, that's what I was going for.)

Detailed, slouchy boots (not shown): While awesome and quite stylish with jeans or a skirt that shows your knees, do these create too much cankle-tude? (Quote: "I can't tell where the calf fat ends and the ankle fat begins!")

Cuffed flannel maternity capris: Are they even fantastic in concept, as Danny DeVito here believes? Don't they, in reality, hang a little too loose and too long? And cuffs? At your height? (I'm sorry.)

Room to grow: Do the (stretchy) white top and (stretchy) beige vest look fitted and suave, or just -- stretched? Don't they, in fact, create three more horizontal lines to visually shorten Danny, here, just a little bit more?

Flowy, body-skimming charcoal sweater: Seriously? (Well, it was lovely and flowy BEFORE I got pregnant... I think...)

Ok, um...and the stain? (Honestly, that was put there at dinner by my associate.)

* Actually, that leftover ham is STILL in our freezer. It probably should go to a better place at some point, I suppose.


** In case anyone was wondering, this year's New Year's Resolution -- to actually "style" my hair twice a week -- isn't working out so well. I have gone so far as to purchase some curl-enhancing product, and apply it sometimes when I get the chance to wash my hair in the middle of the day, since adding said product then diffusing it creates Very Scary results, as does going to bed with it wet. Normally, I DO go to bed with it wet (and un-producted) and just hope for the best...the best being evident in almost every photo on this site. Kaff. Anyhoo, the time it takes to blow-dry and straighten or curl my hair (approximately 45 minutes) (I have a lot of hair) just takes away from quality couch time.


*** Sure, some would argue that three months of use, for 6 trips to the gym a week (twice on Mondays, since I'm still teaching step), adding up to about 78 wearings, wouldn't be a bad investment, but they're OBVIOUSLY crazy.

The Pub Princess of St. Patty's Day

Four weeks to go. Saturday's big excitement was the hair and makeup trial. Whoo.

After polling all of my closest friends and random strangers, I decided that I wanted to be a princess. And since I can't BE a princess, the next best thing is to LOOK like a princess.

So, I brought in a printout of a few different styles, gave it to the Fabulous Kim (we reminisced about the good old days with the Renegades, and how we both miss it), and in just an hour, with only 2 lbs. of bobby pins, 3 cans of hair spray, and 55 minutes of backcombing, voila! The frog was transformed!

Well, mostly. Then there was makeup.

I went over to see Sylvie, who analyzed me out loud. Turns out that I don't actually have standard redhead colouring, since I have pink undertones, or something. Also, I have deep set eyes, which 1) I don't think is a good thing, and 2) are you really supposed to point out flaws to your client? (but Mom said it means I have really big lids, and that I get it from my father's side). I digress.

Concealer. Foundation. More concealer. Primer. Liner, shadow, mascara (but not black - in fact, I should throw out my black mascara and only use dark brown. WHAT???). Liner, lipstick. Blush. Bronzer. Powder. Voila.

My advisors (Mom and Bec) were actually clasping their hands under their chins and gasping with delight, they liked it so much!

Well, it was different than I usually look, that's for sure, and I wasn't completely convinced that it was good. It held up quite well for the night (more on that in a sec), and aside from a titch too much blush, I guess it's something that I can live with for one day.

So, I'm about to leave the salon, and both Kim and Sylvie tell me that I have to keep it in/on all night. And I'm like, "I can't go to a pub like this!" But then, I followed that with, "It's St. Patrick's Day! I can't NOT go to a pub!"

Fast forward to driving home, and waiting to get picked up by friend and new boyfriend. Now, it's always nice to meet new people, but it somehow seems more awkward when they're like, "Hi. You're wearing a tiara." And then all you can say is, "Yes. I always look like this," before you get in their car. So anyhoo, I made it to the Arrow & Loon, and walked in, all self-conscious-like. (that continued all night, actually) But Chris (aka Chris O'Toole, aka Chris Murphy, aka Harrigan) loved it. I got many compliments, kisses, and squeezes. Of course, I don't know how many beers he had before I got there, but I won't question.

It was sort of awkward, though - running into people, and their eyes drift up to the tiara, and then you have to explain it all again... until I decided just to say, "because I'm a princess." And that worked - no more questions asked!

But yeah, I was all nervous and jittery all night, even after quaffing quite a bit of supposed "muscle relaxant" (quick, what book is that from?) - but this has become a normal state for me - trouble sleeping, always vibrating and tense... tell me this will go away after the wedding???