Wednesday 3 March 2010

What Not to Wear

This Episode: Danny DeVito

Ok, so two years ago (the last time my parents visited me*...kaff), I received a full-length mirror for my birthday (from the aforementioned parents).

"But," they said, "we want to get YOU a present, not just something for the house."

"Trust me," I said. "This is for me."

The full-length mirror was supposed to solve the problem of me getting to work and looking terrible from the neck down. (The bathroom mirror and shoddy lighting will get all the blame for the neck-up situation, and my lack of time (and unfortunate genetics), of course, explains the hair.**) There are mirrored closet doors down the hall from my cubicle, so every time I go to the water cooler, the kitchen, or the bathroom (average time between viewings: 7.2 minutes), I get the pleasure of seeing what kind of disaster I have put together that day.


Apparently, just HAVING a full-length mirror isn't enough. You also, apparently, need to LOOK at it. AND you also need to have time to fix the problems (see complaint about hair, above).

I mean, the ongoing Gym Clothing Fiasco has its own litany of excuses: I pack my gym bag in the morning, sometimes in the dark, as I dash out the door; I have to make do with what's in my gym clothes drawer (mostly close-fitting stuff that's all turned into tummy tops and low-rise pants); and 'Fis' hasn't granted approval for maternity gym clothes, since, really, it's a waste of money for just three months of use.***

Besides, he's graciously given me his three largest white gym tops, whose armholes are open down to my (popped) bellybutton. On the days that I am either brave or out of Giant White Tanktops to wear, I take my chances with whatever else is in my drawer, and, thanks to the full-length mirror in the ladies' changeroom, I conveniently get to see the walking sideshow that I have become, right before heading out in public looking like...well, I don't know. Tweedle-Dee? A ball on two toothpicks? Someone with a bizarre gland disorder who still thinks she wears an extra-small? Or, even worse: someone that meant to dress like this????

To digress, the whole point of this is that, as I've gone through this sort of thing before, outfits like THIS shouldn't happen.

Discussion guide:

Layers: Aren't they supposed to make you look smaller? (They seem to add a nice amount of extra bulk to my already bulky frame.)

Accessories: Wouldn't a long, chunky necklace normally create an elongating effect? What the heck happened here? (Well, that's what I was going for.)

Detailed, slouchy boots (not shown): While awesome and quite stylish with jeans or a skirt that shows your knees, do these create too much cankle-tude? (Quote: "I can't tell where the calf fat ends and the ankle fat begins!")

Cuffed flannel maternity capris: Are they even fantastic in concept, as Danny DeVito here believes? Don't they, in reality, hang a little too loose and too long? And cuffs? At your height? (I'm sorry.)

Room to grow: Do the (stretchy) white top and (stretchy) beige vest look fitted and suave, or just -- stretched? Don't they, in fact, create three more horizontal lines to visually shorten Danny, here, just a little bit more?

Flowy, body-skimming charcoal sweater: Seriously? (Well, it was lovely and flowy BEFORE I got pregnant... I think...)

Ok, um...and the stain? (Honestly, that was put there at dinner by my associate.)

* Actually, that leftover ham is STILL in our freezer. It probably should go to a better place at some point, I suppose.

** In case anyone was wondering, this year's New Year's Resolution -- to actually "style" my hair twice a week -- isn't working out so well. I have gone so far as to purchase some curl-enhancing product, and apply it sometimes when I get the chance to wash my hair in the middle of the day, since adding said product then diffusing it creates Very Scary results, as does going to bed with it wet. Normally, I DO go to bed with it wet (and un-producted) and just hope for the best...the best being evident in almost every photo on this site. Kaff. Anyhoo, the time it takes to blow-dry and straighten or curl my hair (approximately 45 minutes) (I have a lot of hair) just takes away from quality couch time.

*** Sure, some would argue that three months of use, for 6 trips to the gym a week (twice on Mondays, since I'm still teaching step), adding up to about 78 wearings, wouldn't be a bad investment, but they're OBVIOUSLY crazy.


Meg said...

AHAHAHAHA! No fashion police in the chapeau?

meg said...

Also...really....cuffed flannel maternity capris? Was the name not enough to warn you??

Anonymous said...

Ummmm - are you sure it's not just the angle of the photo? Perhaps this is considered stylish in modern maternity circles ...perhaps your mother never taught you how to dress.... nope, it couldn't be that.... I was still waiting to see a photo of the svelte black jumper I sent, but now I'm not sure I want to.... I can vouch for the sweater - it looked lovely on you last November. As for the capris, I truly believe they were made for persons of a certain height.

Garrett Family said...

So glad I was in San Diego when I was pregnant. It was always warm and I think I always looked cute. It's definitely easier to look cute in summer clothes!

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