Thursday 18 February 2010

Who Am I, Again?

Aside from all the "discomforts" (humph) of pregnancy, I find the hardest part of it, for me, is changing my identity.

Before babies, I was:

  • Fit!
  • Energetic!
  • Athletic!
  • A drunken karaoke queen! (note: "Queen" is my own drunken assessment)
  • A fitness competitor!
  • A professional cheerleader!

THEN I got pregnant with Vaughn, which, don't get me wrong, was not only very welcome, but planned, and suddenly I was:

  • Out of breath ALL the time
  • Carrying extra weight, including back fat. Yick.
  • Not able to jump into/out of bed anymore
  • Walking slowly and feeling old
  • Lost

I mean, if I defined myself for all of my adult life as the first list, where does that leave me now?

  • A mom

Don't get me wrong: it's a great thing to be, but it's not my EVERYTHING. For some people it can be, and that's great for them, but I didn't bounce around my whole life to just end up "Vaughn's mom"...

Luckily, after having V, it took "only" about 6 months to feel more like myself again, and despite now having a super-fun sidekick, I was everything I was before (ok, minus the last three, which really aren't practical anyway), but also:

  • A young, fun mom! (young at heart TOTALLY counts)
  • A better cook (watched a lot of Food Network while I was nursing Vaughn)
  • A role model for healthy living and eating for my family

So, it took some time, but I started to embrace the above list...and maybe settled into thinking that that's what could define me, now that the other bullets aren't really options anymore.

But it's amazing how fast that strength-of-self goes away. I'm back in my pregnancy clothes (and Chris's workout clothes!) with my pregnancy blues, feeling unattractive, unfit, tired, and just not ME. And also that the last list wouldn't be enough right now anyway.

For those that know me well, yes, this is probably just my standard February trip to NowWhat, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I want to:

  • Do a flying elbow onto Chris when he's trying to sleep!
  • I want to sleep in and just do what I want to do on a Saturday!
  • I want to drink martinis, eat exotic, foreign cheeses, and drive a motorcycle!

Ok, the first item, of course, would be inadvisable (even if I give the signal and therefore make it legal), the second, just plain lazy (but oh, to do it just once!), and well, living in Medicine Hat and it being winter, the last wouldn't happen anyway, and definitely not in that order, but still!

Even just this morning, I got an email from a friend that commented on how life has changed - from free-and-single to mom-of-two in only a few's quite a transition, and it's happened fast.

But I'm sure this lost feeling will pass, and I'll embrace this life again. That I'll revisit my what-defines-me list and be ok with it...maybe being an even BETTER cook, or starting to think that I might one day compete again...or possibly find happiness in career as well... who knows? Anyway, I'm sure I'll find a little bit of me, at least, when the new 'lump arrives in June, or, possibly, hopefully, when March rolls in...


Anonymous said...

Ah, yes - it's February - and as far back as I can remember, you've had an identity crisis each and every February - but then, didn't you meet Chris in February? There! The month isn't all bad.... keep your chin up (and be thankful you have only one chin!) - March is just around the corner.
Try to do that sleep-in thing - I'm sure Chris will volunteer to be sidekick to the sidekick..... Mommmm

Garrett Family said...

Oh Karen! Does it get easier? I'm not sure. I'm just glad to know another mom who's having an identity crisis! All I know is that I regained a bit of myself after the second baby. I knew I wasn't going to have anymore children so I decided to get going on MY life outside of being a mom. I felt fit, sexy, capable and invincible. I took up rowing (for a little while) and soon after started my online business. Even though I'm a mom full-time and I don't always love it (trust me!), I also feel like I have a life now. I have some really rough mom days but I always have my outside interests to keep my going. Plus, the kids do get older. Mine don't wake me up until 7:30 each morning so you will sleep in again!

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